As Maine transitions from summer into fall, I find myself quieting down and settling in. One of the luxuries, for me, of living in a four-season corner of the U.S. is this sense of moving (spiritually, mentally, even physically) in time with the shifts in the weather. Putting the garden to bed, bringing out the crock pot and stowing the air conditioners relaxes me. I am in the flow and find comfort in slipping a fleece jacket over my shoulders and pulling on a pair of long pants when the days grow cool. Slipping between cool sheets in the fall after enjoying a warm bath brings such a sense of peace and calm.
Each season has its blessings.... Spring carries a gentle sense of hope after a long, cold winter. Summer blooms hot and wild in me...and perhaps in you, too. Fall is a warm blanket tucking us in. And winter...well, winter is a challenge, requiring us to dig deep into our resources to find whatever it is (heat, food, sex, love) that will get us through to the other side. And then we repeat the cycle, feeling like it’s the very first time all over again. I don’t mind the rain, the snow, the mud, the dry spells. As a Mainer, I choose to embrace and welcome it all. Having a sense of acceptance makes the extremes more....acceptable, I guess.
It can feel good to put one thing to rest and pick up the dangling threads of something else, yet I seem to be struggling to welcome my own transition from one stage of life to another. My son turned 21 yesterday. That means I’m 23 plus 21. That equals age 44 for me....and that means I’m officially Middle Aged. In celebration of my son’s coming of age, I dragged out my huge tote of photographs, reviewing his progress from infant to toddler to child to teen to young man. I couldn’t help but note my own progress...from high school and college cheerleader to (very) young wife and mother to divorced twenty-something to remarried thirty-something and so on...until the present. I wish I could say I embraced it all with joy in my heart, but the truth is that I was oddly embarassed....mostly by terribly WRONG fashion choices. Ahhh, life. The bad perms, goofy glasses, and seriously questionable clothing buys. I was mildly horrified and quickly repacked the box and returned it to the basement shelf.
My body is aging, softening, showing signs of wear and tear. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I don’t quite recognize that face as my own. Similarly, looking at old photos yesterday, I felt like a stranger to THAT face as well. I suppose all we really have is the present moment, in all its glory...or pain...or whatever it is that life is serving up in the Now. I have a lot of work to do...to love myself just as I am, to stop being a past or future thinker and just be here, now. The rest is just a waste of precious time, I know....yet I still need to remind myself constantly. Moving into the fall of my life is scary, but if I take it one day at a time, savoring the moments as sacred, I’ll be okay.
Wow,have you been in my head??? I am having a difficult time right now putting together everything that has happened to me in the last 19 months and accepting and loving the me that is now.
ReplyDeleteJulie,
ReplyDeleteI love how you expressed yourself here, so vulnerable but strong at the same time. I too am trying to expand myself awareness and learn more about me, its hard but also very exciting.I am so glad to that you are sharing your journey, best of luck fellow traveler! Love Joanie
Beautiful Julie. The wonderful thing is that even though it all seems like so much work, your words and thoughts and feelings prove that you are aware and purposeful and conscious about your life and how you want to be. You are strong, kind and ... well, purposeful. I like that word these days. Purposeful about your life and what makes it right and great for you. Congratulations on blogging! and for the record, I do NOT think of 44 as middle age. I think it's quite young.
ReplyDeleteI was that girl on that bridge that day. It is interesting to see it from the perspective of someone else and I thank you for taking the time to ponder how I felt. I can tell you I remember it was a bright and sunny day, but that did nothing for me. I can tell you the story if you'd ever like to hear it. It was horrifying and I suffered many injuries from it and I'm quite sure PTSD. But you are right, at that moment, it's the only solution I could come up with. I often wonder why I survived.
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