In March, I will celebrate my sixth anniversary as a yogi. In yoga years, I’m still very much an infant. That’s okay with me, and I believe it to be very true. How is it possible that I have been practicing Bikram yoga for so long, doing the same exact sequence of postures for hundreds of classes and still feel like such a novice?
Last night in class, the teacher said that “Hatha” is the body’s yoga and “Raja” is the mind’s yoga. So, we are working on two things: quieting and focusing the mind and perfecting the body’s expression of each posture through stillness and determination. No easy feat! Another teacher, one of my favorites, says that in Bikram yoga, “Millimeters matter.” I suppose this is true in all areas of life, if you think about it. What he means by this is that your progress is made in wee little baby steps...a fraction of an inch deeper into a posture....holding a pose for just a few seconds longer....staying calm in the face of heat, sweat, distraction for a heartbeat longer. As you gain millimeters, you also gain confidence, willpower, self-reliance. You begin to understand that you are at the very center of things....and that having a quiet, centered mind and a calm body are essential to your work.
It’s amazing to me just how helpful my yoga practice has been in my life. The things I’ve worked through in that hot sweaty room on my 2.5x6’ mat leave me humbled and grateful. And who knew? Who knew I had SO much to work on? Who knew that a yoga practice would reach into so many dark corners, bringing light and hope, illuminating the work to be done, providing encouragement to stick with it and see it through?
I have to wonder: is yoga my religion? It does make me a better person, inside and out. It keeps me honest. It humbles me. Perhaps it’s true that LOVE is my religion, and yoga is both the vehicle and the path of love, to love. I need it. I crave it. Yoga quiets me in a way that nothing else has or can. For me, the combination of a serious body work out and a focusing of the mind through meditation...plus the breathing (THAT’s a practice on its own!)...and of course the heat/sweating...is necessary to break through all the crap that accumulates through daily life. It takes the full 90 minutes to bring me back into alignment, to reset the internal clock.
So...what am I working on as I approach the six year mark in my practice? Letting go. This has been my focus all along, and it’s a good one. The “objects” change as I go along. Right now, I am letting go of the illusion that I need to wipe the sweat off my face with a hand towel during class, and that I need to drink water while practicing. It’s amazing the lies we tell ourselves, the craziness we cling to. One of the wonderful things about my yoga practice is the opportunity to confront these illusions and winnow away at them. Once you begin to recognize a habit as just that, you are able (maybe) to question its reality, to wonder whether it truly serves you. For years, I’ve clung to my towel and my water bottle to get me through class. Now, I am ready to listen to what the instructor has probably been saying all along: water won’t help, wiping your sweat will bring more sweat. That’s another thing about doing the same practice over and over....when you FINALLY have ears to hear whatever lesson is “next” for you, there it is. Your yoga practice is like a labyrinth, taking you past the same guideposts and markers over and over again as you travel the path, offering you the opportunity to learn this or that when you are ready. The repetition is necessary. So...I’m down to a maximum of 4 sips of water each class. And I’m learning that I don’t even need it, that I’m still clinging to it a little. I am learning to trust. The towel is still there, and I use it when I can’t see through the sweat dripping in my eyes or to wipe my hands before a posture so I can get a firmer grip. But I don’t rely on it between every posture, I don’t cling to it as “necessary” to my practice.
You might be thinking, “Who even cares? It’s just water....it’s just a towel. What could it possibly matter?” You are correct....it’s just water. It’s just a towel. These are objects. It’s the CLINGING that I’m working through. I am learning to let go and be still. I am learning that the only thing I need in that 105 degree room is my breath....in and out....steady as I go. It’s crazy-simple, but oh so complicated inside one’s mind, yes? Yes.
I’m not always as faithful as I’d like to be in my yoga practice. The hardest part is getting myself into the car. Once I’m on the way, the most challenging aspect is already behind me. It doesn’t matter what happens in the practice room....whether I do a particular posture well or terribly....whether I am happy, sad, angry, frustrated. I’m always glad I made it to my mat. There is always a gift waiting to be discovered. It’s a beautiful, hard-won, difficult, wonderful relationship....with myself. Namaste.
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