The Shape of a Heart

Early this morning while out in the yard, I happened upon a maple leaf.  Creased and folded by who knows what, the leaf was now in the shape of a heart.  I picked it up, laid it in the palm of my hand for closer observation and decided its perfection needed to be photographed.  Meanwhile, dogs were milling around the playground in ever-higher numbers as customers came and went, dropping them with me for the day.  I slid the leaf/heart into the fence for safe-keeping and went for my camera inside the house.  Not too much later, I returned and it wasn’t there.  Forces (a windy morning, myriad distractions inside the house) had conspired to remove the leaf and all that was left was a memory of its golden, creased, heart-shaped splendor.

Of course, tenacious sleuth that I am, I searched fervently for it in crevices between half-dead, leafy plants and in rocky hiding spots, but to no avail. I watched the wind to see which way it might’ve blown, but the moment....and my heart...was gone.  Almost as soon as I began to search, I understood (and smiled at) the higher meaning of what was transpiring, of how the Universe was playing with me....if I chose to participate.  And on this crisp mid-November morning, I did...I did.

The Universe has been tugging at me for a few years now, showing me images of hearts in nature over and over.  You cynics and realists (you know who you are) will say that it’s just my mind looking for hearts.  I, however, can decide for myself what’s going on.  It is true that once your eye starts to see the shape of a heart, it gets easier to identify that shape, and your eye is drawn to it more easily as time goes on.  But, I'm constantly bumping into hearts/love everywhere.  Do you understand yet where all of this is going?

The heart is the metaphor for love, of course.  The Universe keeps drawing my attention to love.  Sometimes it’s just a fleeting glimpse, like the heart leaf this morning, to acknowledge, enjoy and release.  Other times it’s more concrete and tangible, something to retrieve from nature and keep in my love collection.  But that’s just the physical side of things.  On a more spiritual/emotional level, what is all this “looking for love” and “in the shape of a heart” stuff all about?  What's the pull?  Some days, I believe that when a heart-shaped something in nature captures me, it’s my maternal grandmother saying “hello” from the great beyond.  My Memere taught me about unconditional love...what it’s like to really feel that from another human being.  So, often when I encounter a rock or a piece of bark that’s heart-shaped, I feel like Mem G is reminding me that I am loved and worthy of love and I just smile and say, "Hi, Mem!"

Today’s leaf was different.  When I saw it, I thought, "no way...it's too perfect."  I flipped it over and saw how the folds and creases had shaped it.  As I held it in my palm, I made the choice to stow it outside rather than try and carry it with me into the house.  It felt too fragile and I didn’t want to crush it, so I carefully slipped it into the chain-link fence instead.  And then life stepped in, as it always does, and I didn’t get back to the “love” in time to record it with my camera.  Only the memory of it remained.  Isn’t love like that?  Aren’t we all trying to hold onto love, to capture it and record it and keep it...to make it tangible, real, lasting?  And...isn’t love a tricky thing?  Today, it felt like the Universe was being very literal, almost knocking me over the head to involve me in this story about a dead leaf....a leaf that had fallen from a maple tree in exhaustion or relief or ecstacy (who knows), spent and drained of its radiant color and ready to be carried on the wind to its final resting place.  But...not quite yet.

This leaf had been shaped by life...into love, or at least into the most universally understood symbol for love, the heart.  Perhaps it had been stepped on by humans, chewed on by puppies, scraped by a rake...resulting in creases and folds and wrinkles that, taken as a whole, turned a maple leaf into a heart.  And I got to glimpse this love for a moment.  I got to hold it in the palm of my hand, to turn it over and examine it closely, with a sense of wonder about how it had become such a perfect little heart.  And then it was gone.  Taking photos, for me, helps me hold onto beautiful things.  I wouldn’t have kept the leaf, but my photos would’ve allowed me to keep the memory of it around so that I could go back to it and feel the love again.

In the human world of relationships, we can’t hold onto love with a camera or a photo.  Sometimes....we can’t seem to hold onto love at all.  I’m trying to get used to the idea that love/bliss/joy/connection happens in small, brief moments, and to be accepting of that....just as it is.  The Buddhist concept of non-attachment is a tough one for me to practice, as I often want more.  There is so much wanting and longing....  This heart-shaped leaf reminded me today not to hang love on the fence and run away to get a camera.  It might not be there when you return.  Next time, I might just enjoy the love in the moment it’s presented and felt.  The time I spent holding the leaf (and feeling the love) was the briefest part of the whole experience.  The searching for it when I returned to the spot  where I’d left it took far more time.  And searching for it was fruitless.  There were leaves all over the ground, stuck between rocks and clinging to the remnants of summer flowers gone to seed.  And then there was all that time spent thinking about the magnificence of that little heart-shaped leaf, trying to etch it into my memory, reliving the excitement of finding it and holding it for those few seconds.

The next time I am present enough to feel it when love comes calling...I hope I have the presence of mind to stay, to be still, to hold on.  The love might come in the human form, as a meaningful connection with an open soul.  It might be carried on the notes of a beautiful piece of music, or it might be exquisitely rendered in a few lines of a novel.  It might be granted to me by a puppy or dog in my care who allows me into her world, or it might be presented by Nature as a beautiful rock or a bubbling brook.  I want to BE there for it.  I want to get lost in it with all of my senses, to feel it as fully as possible.  It’ll be hard not to reach for my camera....but I will try to wait a few precious seconds longer than I’m comfortable with and just let the moment sink into my bones, fill my chest and make me whole.  Namaste.