Constant Craving: Facing My Appetite

"Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup,

 only less filling."

            ---Dave Barry

After four weeks of trying to conquer my cravings, I am now of the opinion that the 7-day juice cleanse was easier than kicking my old food habits has been.  Each day on the cleanse, there was nothing to think about, no choices to make.  It was simply, “Here’s your juice.  Drink up!” repeated three times per day for 7 days.  Coming off the cleanse, I was ten pounds thinner and full of plans and enthusiasm for a whole new way of eating and being healthy.  Words like “vegetarian,” “organic,” and “vegan” as a lifestyle were tossed around as if they were no-brainers and easily achievable.  Having not eaten any solid food for 7 days, I didn’t have much of an appetite for the first week or two.  “This’ll be a piece of cake!” thought I...so naively.  What I failed to realize is that the desire for that piece of cake would soon return...and with a vengeance I was completely unprepared for.  

Once my “wants” and cravings started to reemerge, I was inundated by messages coming from inside me for pasta and bread and chocolate and coffee.  As I tried to stay steady on the path, I found myself faltering, being pulled in a million directions by old habits and desires for cheese burgers and muffins and french fries.  And I fell on my face...or more aptly put, my face fell with a splat into a plate of spaghetti.  I felt like an addict, to be quite honest.  It was all I could do to make it through the day without cheating a million times.  It felt as if I had no control over myself and my appetites.  The wanting was overwhelming.  I was panicked and stressed and felt like such a loser.  I couldn’t even write about what I was going through....because I felt like a failure, like this was just too hard.  And in my panic (and daily food cheats), I started to backslide....a pound here and a pound there.  I was angry...at myself, at the world (have you ever noticed that food is pushed and pimped EVERYWHERE?!), at my husband (who wasn’t having any effing problem continuing to eat healthily and was still steadily losing weight).  This THING I’d undertaken was getting the best of me, clearly.

The only place I felt “safe” during these crazy couple of weeks was in the yoga room.  It was a struggle to get myself there, what with that voice in my head telling me to go order a pizza instead...but when I did get there, I was able to start figuring this thing out.  As always, I went back to my learning about the ego gleaned from the work of Eckhart Tolle.  I applied that knowledge to this situation and began to see that voice encouraging me to eat and cheat and give up as separate from the “real me.”  Once again, I tuned into the fact that “my ego is not my friend.”  I remember seeing a quote someone posted on Facebook recently: “Don’t believe everything you think.”  That’s exactly true in this situation I’ve been struggling with.  If I believed everything that voice in my head has been saying, I’d be in big trouble.  Instead, I have decided to give this voice it’s own persona.  It had to be something reflective of how I envision this voice inside me and what it would look like in real life.  So....meet my inner voice!  

Isn’t she perfect?  This is an actual person (poor dear) that I saw on the street in Galway on my recent trip to Ireland and snuck a few pics of.  So now, when I hear that voice in my head telling me I neeeeed a cupcake, this is the face I see.  It was either her or Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movie, but I think he’s so cute and silly that I HAD to pick this lady instead.  "Give me a pizza!" coming from HER just seems easier to say NO to, you know?

It’s been a couple of weeks since I freaked out about that addictive appetite of mine that came screaming back to life and demanding cheeseburgers.  I was “saved” by my friend Jacqueline who is a co-owner of Mojo Health Bar.  While picking up our juice one morning, Mike told Jacqueline that I was in the throes of quite a battle with my cravings and she said, “Peanut butter....tell her to eat peanut butter on apple slices when she’s freaking out.”  Sounds quirky, but I’ll tell you what: it worked.  I have a crisp, Maine Cortland apple every day at 10:30 and dip to my delight in the good kind of peanut butter from Whole Foods.  It’s helped me turn the corner.  Jacqueline also told me that I needed to have a list of go-to foods that are “legal” on my new diet that satisfy me...things that taste good and that I actually enjoy eating.  The more of these that I can come up with and keep on hand, the easier it will be to say NO when a craving hits.  Great advice....and that’s working for me, too.

So, it’s been about five weeks now from the day we started our cleanse.  I have returned to the 10-pound weight loss mark after wobbling a bit, and I feel calm and stable most of the time with my ability to choose healthy food for myself.  Mike has lost 20 pounds, it's true, but he has other demons he's battling.  He refers to my daily pep talks  as "the lecture series" today.  

       I’ve learned a valuable lesson about the ONE thing that was missing for me in this whole “feeding myself better” endeavor:  self-love.  It makes me tearful to think back to how I was treating myself just a couple of weeks ago...beating up on myself for having cravings, feeling like a total failure because I was succumbing to that voice in my head and then feeling awful after cheating.  All of my issues with not trusting myself, low self-esteem and not feeling good about myself came screaming back with a vengeance and I had to figure out how the hell to keep my head above water.  I was shocked at how deeply these roots run, and how they permeate so many aspects of my life.  This food thing is yet another facet on the diamond that I'm bringing up to the light for closer examination.  So, I’m picking myself up, dusting myself off and learning to be both gentle and strong at the same time.  I’ve allowed myself to taste the stuff I am missing once in a while, and when I am gentle with myself in this way, I come away stronger and NOT wanting that food again.  Instead of being petrified and panicked at my longing for cookies and french fries and pizza, I’m finding that when I do indulge a bit, I bust the craving wide open and expose it to the light....and it goes away.  That’s not to say that blueberry pie from Two Fat Cats doesn’t taste delicious (I wanted to lick the plate!!!), but I am learning moderation and I’m learning to set goals and earn something I don’t get to have very often.  And I’m learning to savor every bite when I indulge in something delicious.  I’m also finding that some of those things I’ve been waxing nostalgic about aren’t really all that attractive to me any longer, that they are losing their power over me.  Most of the time when I eat something from my “old way of life,” I get a tummy ache or other symptoms that speak to why I wanted to stop eating those things in the first place.

"Crave for a thing, you will get it.  Renounce the craving, the object will follow you by itself."

---Swami Sivananda

I still want to lose 5 more pounds, but today I am happy that I feel a greater sense of self-control, an overriding compassion for myself and what I am attempting to overcome, and a sense of peace and non-attachment to that voice in my head that clearly is NOT my friend.  I am feeling stronger in my yoga practice, centered in my daily life and am grateful for this opportunity to challenge myself and learn what I’m made of.  Learning to love yourself is a daily practice.  Feeding yourself well is just part of that process.  Yoga helps.  Making art gets me through.  I am becoming the person I’ve wanted....inch by inch.  Namaste.  

Making tortillas in Belize, 2009

I want to be 5 years old again

I’ve learned as a photographer that you have to be open and ready to receive whatever the Universe hands you when you look through the lens.  In photography as in life, it’s all in how you frame it.  Sometimes magic happens and when it does, you’ve just got to be present and flow with it.  Children have a lot to offer when it comes to teaching us adults how to flow.

Yesterday I drove down to Saco to photograph a 14-year-old Shiba Inu who is a patient of the veterinary practice I’m shooting a calendar for.  The woman asked if her three grandchildren could participate in the shoot and of course I said, “sure!”  I don’t get to photograph children very often but I really love to when the opportunity presents itself.  

I arrived at Connie’s house and met Aiden and Bailey, who are about 7 and 5 years old, a brother and sister.  While waiting for the youngest grandchild to arrive, I scouted out the yard for good places to set up the kids and the dog.  Meanwhile, Bailey the 5-year-old was running around the yard with the old dog, Sandie, in tow trying to keep up.  Her awesome patent-leather shoes were click-click-clicking on the pavement and her purple plaid skirt was flopping in the wind.  She was having a blast "just because."

We had some trouble getting 2-year-old Austin to sit for the shots, as he was spent from swimming lessons and tearfully wanted his Mama.  That left me with time on my hands, so I just kept shooting the older kids with the dog.  I was completely drawn in by Bailey’s deep chocolate eyes and the way her brown bangs fringed them just so from above.  She loved posing and was so open and vulnerable and completely free and happy.  In between setting up shots in another area of the yard, Bailey decided to pick a few flowers and wanted to hold them for some of the shots.  This was terrific.  Where did she learn about modeling??  

Of course, I was totally encouraging her.  I am a bit of a free spirit myself, and I was aware of Bailey’s effect on me.  Through her freedom and joy and total lack of inhibition as she danced and ran and posed, I was able to remember my own 5-year-old self.  Kids often don’t have a filter like us adults do.  That comes later.....through our experiences with betrayal, embarrassment, shame, sadness.  We learn and we learn and we learn....to bottle things up, to hesitate, to hold back who we are, what we think, how we want to behave.  Bailey had no filter...no cap holding in her exuberant joie de vivre.  She was embracing the moment fully.  And I, lucky soul, got to share it with her and record some of it with my camera.  

It’s good to be reminded that I was once clean and fresh and innocent, uninhibited, trusting and full of joy.  That’s a good thing for any old soul, don’t you think?   In a time in my life where self-esteem is fleeting, youth is fading and the world can seem to be an unfriendly place, I needed this reminder.  I am a grateful woman today, having been reminded by little joyful Bailey to dance a little more, take a chance or two without worrying what people will think, wear awesome shoes on a Saturday morning just because, and embrace every single precious moment and hug the life out of it.  Just for today, I will follow my heart without fear, like I did when I was five.  Thank you, Bailey with the warmest chocolate eyes.  I hope you never lose your joy, sugar.  Namaste.

I photographed a Cockatoo and lived to tell the story

Have you ever heard a Cockatoo scream?  No?  Don’t even know what that might sound like, you say?  Consider yourself lucky.  This afternoon I drove all the way to Augusta to be screeched at, incessantly, by Sarah the male Cockatoo.  That’s right: Sarah the MALE Cockatoo.  It's a long story....about his name, about the fact that he’s had five homes to date and about how I came to be standing in his very tiny kitchen while Mr. Sarah put on quite a show for me.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?  I’m a budding photographic talent and I like to take any opportunity to practice my craft.  A friend of a friend told her sister about me when the sister was discussing the need for a photographer to take shots for a calendar for the vet practice where she works.  Voila!  I am now the appointed photographer, working gratis, hauling my buns all over the place to photograph dogs, cats, horses, a bunny, a couple of guinea pigs and today....a male Cockatoo named Sarah in Augusta.  In all honesty, it’s been pretty fun and I’ve had the chance to work on my indoor photography skills, using my external flash and three different lenses and that’s an extra bonus.  Have I mentioned that I’m deathly afraid of cats?  No?  Well I'll just have to cover that in another blog...probably one about nightmares...but for now, I’ll stick to the screeching bird.

About the best thing the owner of said bird told me when I walked in the door and noted Sarah was out of his cage and clinging to a perch while bouncing up and down was, “He doesn’t know how to fly.”  Thank GOD, thought I as I reached into my camera bag with a trembling hand and one eye on the loose bird.  It was all down hill from there, I assure you.  A quick peek around the closet-sized kitchen had me scrambling to figure out how the heck I was going to get any usable shots, what with the huge cage taking up half the room, several busy kitcheny things hanging on the walls and a lovely flourescent ceiling light shining terrible light right beside Sarah’s head.  Oh...and Sarah is white....and so are the walls in this kitchen.  No problem....I’m a miracle worker from way back.  Just call me Mother Theresa!  

As I readied myself to take a few test shots, I asked if Sarah would be afraid of the flash and I was assured that no, it shouldn’t bother him (sorry, but I can’t get used to calling Sarah a “him” By the time they figured out “she” was a boy it was too late to change the name).  That’s just about the exact time that Mr. Sarah started to scream.  I shouted out, “Jesus Christ!” pretty loudly because this screaming scared me well...shitless...as the saying goes.  I cannot even come close to describing the paint-peeling shriek that is the cry of the Cockatoo.  So I found a video of it on youtube for you.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTXLeL94DM0  Please, turn the volume on your computer all the way up before you play it.  Even that won’t come close to what I endured, but you’ll get the general idea.  And it goes on uninterrupted for like....at least a solid minute or even two before she...ooops....HE stops.  “He’s happy!” said his owner.  At least that’s what I think she said.  I couldn’t hear much at that point since my eardrums had just been pierced by Mr. Shrieky Face Sarah.  

“Ok, I can handle this,” I said after I scraped myself off the ceiling, and I just kept on shooting right through the noise.  And then he stopped.  Silence never sounded so good.  But then he started bouncing.  Yep, that’s right: bouncing.  Up and down and up and down and up and down.  He was dancing to music that only he could hear...and I was supposed to get clear, crisp photos of him while he was bobbing up and down like an idiot.  Good, good.

Did I mention about all the distracting kitcheny things on the walls?  And how about that lovely black metal cage and all of Mr. Screamy Pants’ wrought iron perches messing up every shot?  And the lighting??  Talk about a challenge for a relatively new photographer, working out of her comfort zone (inside vs. outside) in a small space with a very scary creature who’s loose and could peck me to death at any moment.  And remember, I'm doing this for FREE.  What the hell was I THINKING signing up for this??  

At about that very moment, Sarah’s owner mentioned not to get too close to him because Cockatoos are known to slash faces.  SLASH FACES??!!!  I feverishly unscrewed my macro lens and put on my zoom.  I wasn’t about to get in THIS bird’s face.  But...Sarah must’ve liked having me so close to him trying to get my shots because as soon as I put my zoom lens on and backed up several feet (bumping into a wall.  Did I mention how small this kitchen was??), he started to scream again.  Yet another colorful swear word or two escaped my lips before I could catch myself.  I couldn’t HELP it!  He screams so loud and right out of the blue.  And the whole time he’s screeching, his owner is shouting over him that “He’s happy! He’s excited!”  Oh, goodie goodie...as long as Sarah's happy.

So I’m snapping away feverishly at this point, trying my best to get clear shots of this plain white bird against a plain white background without too much light blowing out the shots while he’s shrieking and bobbing up and down, while his owner is shaking a rattle and trying to get him to put his crest up.  To be honest, Sarah has a really nice crest of feathers that, when fanned out around his bobbing, screaming head looks pretty stunning.  So I started talking to him like I would a puppy:  “Oh Sarah....you’re such a pretty bird!  Show Auntie your crest, pretty Sarah!”  It was all I could do not to throw up or pee my pants, but an artist must do whatever it takes to produce her art, right?

As if all of this wasn’t enough, Sarah decided I was too far away from him and he wanted to come over and “see” me, so he wiggled his way down off his perch and was almost to floor level when his owner started shouting, “Here comes the Dyson!  Get back up on your perch right NOW, Sarah!  I’m getting the Dyson!”  What the.....?  I’m thinking, “has this bird sent his owner off the deep end or what?!” whilst said owner squeezes behind me (leaving nothing between me and the razor-beaked, scissor-clawed Sarah, mind you), opens a closet door and drags out the....vacuum cleaner.  This cannot be happening, right?  Apparently the bird is afraid of the vacuum cleaner and usually all it takes is the threat of bringing out the Dyson to send Sarah clawing his way back up to his perch. 

Once Sarah had gotten back up near the ceiling on his perch and I started to breathe again, his owner explained that Sarah has a history of attacking feet. (What was I thinking, wearing RED shoes today?!)  Apparently, a couple of owners back, Sarah lived with a man who wore work boots and when Sarah screamed his ass off, the owner would try and kick or stomp him with the those boots.  Not that I should be alarmed.  Or worried.  Just keep that camera clicking!!

To sum things up, I was at Sarah’s house for about 25 painful minutes and took about 700 shots.  Most of them aren’t usable but it only takes one good one to get what we need for the calendar.  God bless Sarah’s owner, who also owns a bunch of other birds housed in various cages around the kitchen and living room (I didn’t dare venture past Sarah to take a look for fear that she’d slash my face or bite one of my toes off).  I asked if he screams at night and she said, “Nope, he sleeps right through.”   I don’t know how she has any hearing left at all, living with him.  She did state with a bit of regret as she showed me out that she should’ve warned me to bring ear plugs.  Gee..you think?

Next up, I’ll be heading to Saco to photograph a leopard gecko.  Sweet dreams to me tonight....

Shrinking to Grow: A recap of my juice cleanse

  My 7-day juice cleanse officially ended on Sunday evening.  I simply could not write about it then...or the next day or the next.  Too strung out, emotional and depleted...it would not have been pretty and one of you might’ve sent the paddy wagon around for me.  Today, though, after two full days of nourishment (I’ll get to the details on that later), I am clear-minded and grounded and ready to spill the beans...or the juice, if you will.

Much of what I want to write about concerns the spiritual/emotional/mental goals and outcomes of the cleanse for me personally....but since a lot of my friends are serious athletes and cerebral types, I will first give the down and dirty details for those of you who are less touchy-feely than others.

Almost everyone we’ve chatted with about our cleanse was most interested in the weight loss aspect.  In seven days, I lost exactly 10 pounds; Michael lost 15.  So, in that respect, a juice cleanse certainly works for very rapid dropping of pounds.  That’s not to say it’s necessarily the best way to drop weight, but most of you don’t want to hear that, right?  For the first day and a half of our cleanse, we drank two 20-ounce juices and some salad/veggies.  After that, it was simply three 20-ounce juices per day straight through the remainder of the week plus as much water as we could literally stand to drink.  Don’t misunderstand the term “juice” as it applies to cleansing, folks.  This ain’t no ordinary juice!  Our gurus and guides (and therapists!) for our cleanse were the fabulous couple who own Mojo Health Bar on Rte 77 in Cape Elizabeth.  Philip and Jacqueline know what they’re doing and that was extremely important to us.  We put our health in their hands and they prepared our juices fresh daily, altering the mix according to our feedback (i.e. complaints about lack of energy, headaches, body aches, depression...and so on).  They have access to a steady supply of the best variety of vegetables and fruits and that, backed by their years of knowledge in food health and wellness, put us in the best of hands.  

What’s in the juice?  Lots of stuff.  On day one, it tasted great and went down easily.  As the week wore on, I could barely get it down, so sick was I of beets and kale and spinach and celery and carrots and ginger and....  You get the picture.  Sometimes when I’d see the color of my next 20-ouncer, I’d cringe.  “Ugh...it’s green.  That means kale!”  But I survived.  It was my only source of nutrition and I had to get it into me.  We’d go to Mojo and watch them shove whole carrots and apples and beets into the juicer, loads and loads of them, and then watch the thin stream of juice from those veggies and fruits piss out into the waiting pitcher...amazed at the quantity necessary to get that quality, raw juice for us.  Occasionally we’d also have a wheat grass shot (great for detoxifying your liver) or a ginger shot (for an energy boost) and the ratio of raw material to juice was again mystifying.  

How did we feel?  I was especially naive entering into this Juice Cleanse.  I’d done no research and had just some minimal conversation with my acquaintance who’d walked the road ahead of us.  That was enough for me: I just wanted to do it and get through it and live to tell the story.  In hindsight, that sort of caused some issues for me that could’ve been avoided.  The most important thing I learned is that you have to be very, very careful about how you use your energy.  I thought I could go to Bikram yoga like I normally would...so off I went on Tuesday night.  A 90-minute physically-grueling athletic endeavor in a 105 degree room is a lot to ask of yourself during a cleanse, even if it’s something you’ve done regularly for 8.5 years.  I still had energy from my pre-cleanse days and I used it all up on that one class.  I thought it actually helped me with my caffeine headaches and body aches, but honestly it depleted my reserves and left me very vulnerable.  I went again on Thursday night because I’m a bit driven (and stupid) and that is what might’ve put me over the edge.  For the remaining three days of the cleanse, I was just barely able to function.  I didn’t want to talk, move or even drink my juices.  I just wanted to sit in a chair wrapped in a blanket and wait for the end to come.  I wasn’t at all interested in eating again and wasn’t having fantasies of french fries and ice cream and pizza, but I was thinking about the smoothie I’d be able to have on Sunday and that’s really all I cared about.

If you are contemplating a juice cleanse, I’d highly recommend that you take a trip up to Mojo and visit with Jacqueline and/or Philip over a nice, healthy smoothie (my favorite is the Muscle XL with hemp protein powder).  They’ll be happy to enlighten you and certainly would love to make your juices for you if that would work for you.  There are also two other juice bars you could check out if you are nearer to the Portland area than Cape.  The Maine Squeeze on Moulton Street in the Old Port and Roost House of Juice on Free Street both offer juices and smoothies.  I have no idea if the staff are knowledgable so you’d have to ferret that out and fill in the gaps yourself by doing research into what juices you would need when and then ask for those specifically, perhaps.  My friend, Evan, made his own juices using a store-bought juicer and he’s had great success with his juice cleanses.  I don’t have access to him at the moment to find out all the details on that, but I imagine you could research recipes and advice on the net to prepare yourself if you go that route.  The local Farmers’ Markets could easily supply your fresh veggies and fruits, too.

Going forward, I am now on a mostly vegan/gluten free diet by choice.  No alcohol (easy for me), no coffee/caffeine (not so easy but I’m sticking to my guns), no added sugar (I can’t talk about that yet, too sad).  The juice cleanse prepared my body by detoxifying and resting my system.  Now I want to put only good things into it that will help me continue to lose a bit more weight, but more importantly provide the healthy fuel for my lifestyle and fitness goals.  So far, I’ve not had any real trouble making the switch, although I did need to add just a bit of lean red meat to my dinner last night to get my iron level back up.  Quinoa, soy yogurt, organic rice cakes, tons of fresh veggies and salads, nuts and fresh fruit are now my daily round.  I also add about 1/8 organic apple cider to my water intake, which according to Jacqueline helps my body use the nutrition in my diet more effectively.  It tastes good too.  I’ve been on a “regular” diet for 2.5 days now.  I had to ease into it slowly, with two smoothies and one small meal the first day, one smoothie and two small meals yesterday and so on.  Last night I went to yoga and had one of my best classes in as long as I can remember.  Pick up a 10-lb dumbbell and you’ll understand what I’m no longer having to carry through my postures.  I felt energized and lean and good.  I am still at the same weight I was on Sunday at the close of my juice cleanse.  Breakfast will include a Mojo juice (the Zinger...carrot/orange/ginger) in the 12-oz size for the next several weeks.  My goal is to lose another 4-5 lbs AND be strong and energetic in my work life as well as my athletic life.

So, all you cerebral, nuts & bolts folks and athletes who aren’t so interested in the inner workings of my mind and emotions are now dismissed, as that concludes the concrete stuff about the cleanse.  If you want to stay on board, you’ve been forewarned - it’s gonna get deep from here on out.

Shrinking to Grow.  That’s been the theme song accompanying all the moves and steps in my life for quite some time now.  Doing more with less.  Taking up less space.  Getting rid of superfluous junk.  Simplifying.  Shutting up and listening.  Getting down to what’s really important.  Tuning in.  Being Here Now.  My juice cleanse is a variation on that theme.  It’s all connected, I think.  Everything....EVERYTHING happens for a reason and there is a divine presence behind it all, orchestrating the music of our lives.  We are all just players...the world is the stage.  I know, I know....it all sounds so touchy-feely and mystical, right?  Welcome to my world.  Why hide the truth of who I am?  I am becoming the person I’ve wanted to be for so very long.  I am an introvert by nature...surprise, surprise.  I love connecting with you all in THIS way, through my writing and photography and art but the rest has been difficult.  Being “in the world” has been painful in many ways, and these attempts over the last many years to step away, simplify my life and make it honorable, to figure out who I am and what I want, have been awkward and uncoordinated but I’m on the road and feeling fine (today).  My camera is a great best friend and companion. 

With regard to this cleanse, I chose to jump in because I have been deeply unhappy in my body and in my life lately.  My choices in terms of food and drink wreak of addiction and mindless thinking.  It’s easier to reach for the fast food and junk than to mindfully feed myself and fuel my body.  I’d come to the end of the road with all that and wanted to step away for a week and detox not only my body but also my behavior and choices.  Not having to make food choices for a solid week gave me time to think about how automatic and reactive my behavior had become, how out of control and spiraling I’d been feeling.  Not cool at all.  And I was suffering for it.  Self-esteem has always, always been hard won for me, and here I was setting myself up to feel badly about “me” in so many ways.  My food habits just didn’t fit with my definition of myself, my goals, my values....so I stepped away for a week and drank only juice.  I was shrinking to grow.  To me, that means I was losing weight, yes, but also losing addictive behavior, resetting the clock if you will.  I was giving myself a jump start.  

After a week of not eating, I’m ten pounds thinner and I have a new chance to take better care of my temple, my body.  It was gruelingly hard at times but I never considered quitting or giving up.  I never wavered from my desire to be clean, to live cleaner and healthier.  I am now addiction-free and in recovery!  It’s a whole new world....  I start my day with a cup of hot water to warm me up (I was cold every day during the cleanse) while I write in my journal.  I’m doing the 12-week creativity-sparking program called “The Artist’s Way” with a trusted friend across the miles (she’s in VA) and finding my creative energy is on fire and burning for expression.    I am contemplating (and executing) many life changes to move boldly toward a more connected, meaningful life for myself.  This cleanse was the spark that got me back on track.  And I am hanging on through all the grieving that goes along with the cleanse and with getting myself in order.  It’s been a rough, rough ride.

Shrinking to grow has also resulted in immediate benefits for my yoga practice.  Last night, ten pounds lighter now, I was so much more mobile.  I had more energy, more clarity.  I was in control of my breath and took it slowly and easily.  I was a humble, quiet little warrior.  I’ve been practicing Bikram yoga for a lot of years now and I didn’t even own a scale when I started, but this weight loss makes me remember back to the beginning when I felt so good about my yoga.  It’s been a long, hard road.  

My goals as I move forward post-cleanse are to continue to tell the truth, to myself and others, no matter how scary that is; to be mindful and deliberate in making choices for myself...regarding food, relationships, business and life; to continue the “shrink to grow” theme in all areas of my life...including relationships, business, home life and creative pursuits; and to continue to love myself and others as best I can, practicing non-attachment and radical forgiveness every single day.  Namaste.

A Mainer In Dublin....

     I know many of you are clamoring for the final word on my recent juice cleanse and I promise to write about that very soon, but today I am inspired to tell you about a really cool adventure we had almost as soon as we set foot in Dublin just two short weeks ago.  Many of you have read or heard about the novels of Mainer Gerry Boyle http://www.gerryboyle.com/ of China, Maine.  Well, he's got a rather amazing young woman as a daughter.  Her name is Emily Westbrooks and she's living in Dublin with her husband, Michael, whom she met while the two were students at Colby college.  Michael is a native of Ireland and that's where the couple is currently making their home.  I'm not exactly sure how they became acquainted, but our tour guide, Evan McElligott http://longervacations.com/, set up a lovely little tour for our group with Emily on our first afternoon in Dublin.  Emily is passionate about crafting and the creative arts and has been following the ebb and flow of how local crafters are staking a claim in the Irish arts market in her city.  She took us around to three shops to meet the shop managers, observe crafters at work and view their wonderful work.  Of course, we all had terrible jet lag and some of us were stumbling to keep up with the enthusiastic and bubbly Emily...but it was worth our effort.  The recession has hit Irish crafters and artisans particularly hard and Emily wanted to show us how many are now teaming together under one roof to stay afloat and hopefully thrive in a tough economy.

     Our first stop was at Project 51 Irish Design Collective http://www.project51.ie/. This hip, eclectic space housed in a 19th century Georgian building in Dublin's creative district is a high-end, luxury boutique filled with some of the best Irish fashion, jewelry, accessories, furniture and home decor.  The shop currently offers for sale the work of 19 Irish designers and craftspeople and shoppers get to watch some of the designers working on their crafts on location.

     While we were there, we watched Katie Townend working on beaded and bejeweled jewelry pieces for her brand name, Eliza Vale http://elizavale.com/.  Katie named her collection after her great-grandmother and uses cross-stitch and embroidery techniques, beading and macrame to transform a mix of leather, silks, Swarovski crystals and a variety of beads into stylish treasures to enhance dressy and chic attire.  Part of the fun for us, of course, was listening to Katie speak about her work in her lovely Irish accent.

   Jewelry designer Filip Vanas http://www.filipvanas.com/ was also in-house and we watched him drilling pieces for some edgy necklaces with an urban, contemporary, minimalist feel.  Filip hails from the Czech Republic and comes at jewelry design by way of his work in and study of architecture.  The downturn in the economy turned Filip toward jewelry making full-time.  Simple shapes, dramatic contrasts, bold colors and unusual materials result in some really beautiful and unique pieces.  A quick peek at his blog reveals that he's off and running and enjoying some success in the international craft world!

     Our second stop was really amazing.  We visited the Doll Hospital.  Doll hospital, you say?  What the heck is that?  Well...old dolls get broken through years of loving use and there's a place where they can be taken for surgery to put them back together and restore them to their original luster.  Many of these dolls are heirlooms passed down through generations and are worth a lot both in sentimental value as well as Euros.  As Emily explained, over the winter the Dolls Store and Hospital http://www.dollstore.ie/ was in dire straits and ready to close for good due to rising rent costs and the difficulties the recession had presented for the business.  A wonderful opportunity arose to relocate the business in Dublin's city centre and we got to visit with the store manager and hear about the history of the business and its owner in the store's amazing new location.

     Porcelain dolls and stuffed bears can be bought, sold and repaired at the store owned by Melissa Nolan. The business has been around for nearly three decades and has some very loyal customers, including a 97-year-old woman who has been a customer since she was 23.  Gertrude's first doll, she says, was "shot" in her cot in 1916 when Gertrude was nearly one.  Her family had lived in Harold's Cross and as rebels were running across the canal from the city centre they were shot at by British troops.  Apparently one of the bullets came through Gertrude's bedroom window and shot her doll, a French one passed down to her from her mother who received it from her father when she was four.  So, you can see that a doll hospital is, indeed, a very necessary thing to certain paying customers.  This lovely store is filled to brimming with teddies and tin cars and dolls of every shape, color and size.  Housed on the second floor of a lovely 18th century building housing lots of boutiques and a food court, the store is located in a former ballroom!  What a treat...

     We were on overload already but we had one final stop to make, at the Irish Design Shop http://irishdesignshop.com/.  This shop was founded in 2008 by two jewelers, Clare Grennan (who was working when we toured!) and Laura Caffrey and stocks some lovely original Irish designs including ceramics, pottery, woodwork, textiles and jewelry.  Many of the offerings are made on-site, as the store has studio space for about nine or so artists and craftspeople on the second floor.  By pooling resources and working together in the same space, artists share expenses and often tools and techniques as well, helping all to move forward in difficult economic times.

     Two artists were working upstairs when we visited.  Julie Connellan, a jeweler, was just setting up her work space and greeted us warmly and handed out her cards so we could check out her pieces on her site http://www.julieconnellan.com/. She produces a wide range of contemporary jewelry that has the "flavor" of sculpture.  Julie says she sees a need for material honesty, balance and simplicity in her designs.  Her creations are playful and appealing.

     Pierce Healy http://www.ottovanwinklepeterstein.com/  was also hanging around his studio, chatting with Julie, and was happy to greet us and talk about his very cool etchings on metal.  These are some serious pieces of work, very labor-intensive and involved.  Pierce sketches first and then transfers  his designs onto metal using a variety of tools and the results are at once hip and intricate.  I was completely drawn into his designs and would've loved to make a purchase for my son who I'm sure would've talked Pierce's ear off!  Good thing Pierce has a website, as his work was not displayed for sale downstairs...  He's one of those artists whose work looks like a dream-scape come to life.  It's almost like Dr. Seuss meets Where's Waldo? when looking at one of his etchings...with a touch of a graffiti-feel.  The more you look, the more you see.  It must take him days and days to engrave these.

     So there you have it, my friends....a little tour through Dublin's craft quarter.  Thanks to Evan for setting it up and to Emily who was so kind to put together this walk and introduce us to all the crafters trying to make a go of it in a variety of ways.  Had we been more chipper and energetic, we'd have taken her out for a pint and got her to tell us all about life for a Mainer living in Ireland.  We'll just have to go back and look her up, I guess.  You can check Emily out for yourself on her blog, from China Village http://www.fromchinavillage.com/ where she blogs about design, fashion, crafts and married life.  Namaste.