Participating in a 4-hour posture clinic at my yoga studio this weekend gave me more than just my asanas to ponder. I’ve been practicing Bikram yoga for over six years now, and you’d think I’d have it down. The truth is that practice doesn’t necessarily make perfect. As my astute yoga teacher Michael said, sometimes “practice makes permanent,” so taking a look at one’s practices is always a good thing.
I’m expanding my thinking about the things I practicewell beyond my yoga mat. I practice my job skills. I have become habitual in my relationship with my husband, son and others. As I learned in the posture clinic, sometimes (painfully often for me, in fact) my practice is skewed and isn’t serving me as well as I’d like to think. Hmmm....these are big “ah ha!” moments to be having on a Monday.
I’ve been suffering lately with a couple of injuries. As attention was brought to my body mechanics in getting into and out of different poses (asanas), I realized I wasn’t lining up my hips correctly....or I was yanking my shoulder back unnecessarily...or my back was arched when I thought I was tucking my tail. My interpretation of the verbal directions of the instructor weren’t translating appropriately from my mind to my body parts and this was causing pain and injury to certain joints. Oh, sure...I might’ve been able to get my leg a little higher in Standing Bow, and I might’ve been able to hold the pose for the whole ten seconds in Balancing Stick, but at what price? I wasn't even doing the postures correctly!! What I had to face head-on in the posture clinic is that I’m kind of a control freak perfectionist.
Ugh. That is so hard to even write. I left the posture clinic and had a few tears in the car over that realization. Me. A control freak perfectionist. The label is self-imposed, and yes, I’m hard on myself. But....I was really blown away by how my zest for perfection in the postures had led me to stop truly listening to my body, and how my months and years ofdoing the same practice over and over had led me to stop truly listening to the instructions. Sometimes in yoga and in life, we need to go back to the beginning and start again -- even (and maybe especially) when we think we’ve got it all down perfectly.
The posture clinic gave participants time and attention and hands-on instruction from our teachers which isn’t possible during regular classes. We got into a posture and they “fixed” us, adjusting our hips and feet and arms the way they are supposed to be. We, in turn, attempted to memorize what these adjustments felt like. For me, much of the fine tuning left me unable to fully express a particular posture the way I was used to. My years of “practice” were tossed out the window and I had to return to the very beginning, with a beginner’s mind, and start from scratch....only going as far into a pose as I was able to while doing it correctly. This is what caused my inner control freak to melt down, as I realized that I’m not so great at this yoga thing....even after six years of trying.
Given time to think this through, I’ve come to a place of acceptance that this is where I’m at. It’s actually very transformative to start fresh. In the case of my yoga practice, my body is already responding with relief to the adjustments. Less pain is a good thing. And I’m wondering, now, about the ways I have done the very same thing - practicing the same old habits - in other areas of my life. In my work with the pups, I am learning that I am at my best when I give my full attention to my students, when I allow their present needs to shape the day rather than thinking my past experience is the best guide. In my relationship with my husband, we hit a huge wall when the kids started departing for college. The way we shaped and practiced our daily lives had to shift and change now that there weren’t sporting and school events drawing us away from each other. We had to start from scratch and begin relating anew. Thankfully, we got back in touch with the love that brought us together in the first place and were able to begin a new and different chapter of life together....because the ways we’d practiced relating, our patterns and habits, just weren’t cutting it for either of us any longer.
I’ve heard it said many times that “change is the only constant” and it seems pretty accurate. As I look at my yoga practice and make some necessary changes, I’m finding that embracing change can be a lovely, loving thing to do. Back on my mat last night for the first time after the clinic, I was careful with my body and I approached each posture with a beginner’s mind. Instead of trying to be great at this or that posture....or giving up when I learned how imperfect my postures actually were...I just allowed myself to practice....to start fresh and approach each posture as if I was doing it for the first time. I gave myself permission to slow down, breathe, and be fully in my body and in the moment, whatever that moment brought and whatever my body was capable of right then.
In my relationship with Michael, we are learning to hold on and let go in equal measure. Many ways of relating and sharing life needed to be thrown out the window as we transitioned to a (somewhat) empty nest.
Other habits and practices needed development so that we could feel more like a married couple and less like two robots fulfilling the needs and wants of four children, etc and so on. We are learning that practice does, indeed, make permanent if you’re not very careful and open-minded and inquisitive. Change is going to happen anyway...but looking at your practices and habits might transform things in a direction that was otherwise unexpected.
Tonight, I’ll be returning to my mat with an open, calm and inquisitive mind.....and leaving my control freak perfectionist persona outside the door to pace back and forth and chew her nails to her heart's content.
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